“I get this empty feling when I’m not getting connection” - Dr. James Delony
Living through and moving past mismatched attachment styles
Happy Friday. In today’s letter, we’re just going to cover one personal development thought leader, Dr. John Deloney, and I’m going to go fairly deep on it because I think it goes deep into a really common relationship issue that causes so many clients to end up in my law office.
It’s Friday, and things are good
I’m fairly new in my legal coaching journey, but I’m very grateful I’m on it. Pretty sure I’m walking this path all alone right now, but I need no sympathy. I’m good.
I’ve had some of the most impactful, meaningful conversations I’ve had in a long time, especially in a work setting. Being a family law lawyer is already a rewarding profession, but working in this way has taken practice to another level.
This letter talks about attachment styles. It’s a very popular subject in relationships, if you haven’t heard of it before. The (very general) idea is that we have relationship stress because of how secure we feel in relationships, which comes from childhood (doesn’t everything?). The two personalities at play in this letter are the anxiously attached style, who do not feel secure and need a lot of reassurance, and avoidant style, who generally get anxious if people get too close to them.
About this letter
Today in Tomorrow brings you the latest motivational and personal development content from the internet so you can apply it to your personal life. Most of my clients are going through some very challenging personal growth experiences (sometimes involuntarily). I hope this letter will bring you some inspiration, motivation, or just peace.
Today in Tomorrow
The Dr. John Delony Show - My Husband Doesn’t Understand Me (April 28, 2023)
“How do I have a fulfulling, passionate marriage when my husband and I have different attachment styles?” (2:05) Donna took an online quiz to discover she is an anxious attachment style and her husband is an avoidant style. When they took the quiz together, it helped their communication a little bit. (3:35) But it didn’t solve the deeper issues.
I really enjoyed this episode from Deloney because it reminds me of so many of the things I hear from my clients. If you’re reading this letter, the ideas here are probably too late for your relationship, but I still thought they would give some of you peace of mind. And some actionable steps for future relationships.
Donna said, “I get this empty feling when I’m not getting connection” from her husband, even though their communication was a little better when they logically knew what each other’s styles were. (3:50) She chases after him seeking emotional validation, but he avoids and emotionally runs from her. It’s just getting worse and worse. Deloney said this is a common problem. Many couples end up in “an infinity loop” of doing this chasing and avoiding. Do you do that? Did you do that when you were together?
He warned that attachment styles are useful to understand each other, but that we shouldn’t get stuck in them, as Donna and her husband seem to be. “What I don’t like about [the labels] . . . and most mental health diagnostics . . . is that [the labels] become, ‘well that’s just who this guy is.’” (4:45) That makes it hard for people to grow and change, which we all can.
“None of [the labels] matter when it comes to looking at the person across from you and saying, ‘What do you need? How can I love you better today regardless of how it makes me feel?’” (5:15)
I don’t know many individuals who ever ask themselves those questions, let alone TWO people who do that for each other. And because you’re reading this, you probably weren’t in a relationship where your partner was asking those questions. Maybe you weren’t either.
But that’s what Today in Tomorrow is all about. Doing better next time. Learning from the challenge.
Deloney shared that even he has the same dynamic in his relationship. He’s “terrified of rejection” (5:54), so he comes on very strong with his own wife. And her nervous system says, “Get out of here, hide.” (6:03) Which then sets his alarms off, which sets her alarms off, and the spiral starts. Does this sound familiar to you?
He goes far as so suggest that, sometimes people can take advantage of anxiously attachment personalities by “weaponizing connection,” (6:25) which I thought was an amazing way to describe that experience. In other words, people will instinctively disconnect emotionally from anxious people specifically to hurt them.
When people like Deloney, or me for that matter, get anxious about relationships, it triggers survival instincts. Delony raised something I’ve never heard before: there’s another survival mechanism besides fight, flight, or freeze. (8:00) It’s “fawn.” “I’m going to get so close and nuzzle up to you. I’m going to be overly intimate, overly connected, and that will keep me safe. Surely he won’t hit me or cheat on me if I’m really really close.” (8:10)
This is all very interesting, but I want this letter to focus on how to move forward. If people have different attachment styles, how do they move forward? “The goal is not to fight attachment styles. The goal is not to make each body feel unsafe.” (10:00) The goal is teach our bodies that “the thing that kept you safe at one time is destroying the relationship now.” (10:15)
Donna needs to learn that her anxiety, the thing she’s trying to solve by getting close to him is getting stronger every time you give into it. (11:20) Her husband needs to put in just as much work to learn that not being connected will eventually kill him physiologically. (11:50) Both will destroy the relationship if they don’t change. Maybe you know what I’m talking about.
So the first step is to notice when the anxiety builds up, and take a “huge breath,” and ask, “what is [the anxiety] trying to protect me from? Why don’t I feel safe right now?” (12:30) Then don’t act on the instinct and learn from it. It’s “tedious.” (12:55)
The catch is they both have to do this to work on meeting each other’s needs, and I think too many people in relationships won’t put in that work. Maybe you experienced that. Still maybe you, and your future partner, will.
Get in Touch With Me
I’m an attorney in the Los Angeles area. I work with clients in family law matters, like divorce, custody disputes, or post-judgment matters.
I work differently from many attorneys, in that I focus heavily on supporting you through all aspects of it: the legal, financial, and (especially) the emotional transitions. I help you move out of the past and into the future.
If you are in California, I’m happy to schedule a free initial consultation with you to help you chart a path forward.
If you are outside of California, we can still talk, but I can’t give you legal advice (nor would you want me to as all family law is state-specific).