A note about loneliness
And more content to move you forward!
In this Today in Tomorrow, we’re going to talk about some new things I learned about loneliness, which is something basically all my clients face in their divorce journey, and I think this will help. I’ve also got some new motivation and inspiration for you from Radio Headspace, the Relationship Anxiety Podcast, the eponymous Dr. John Delony Show, the High Conflict Co-Parenting Podcast (pay special attention to this one), and the One You Feed.
Happy Monday
And what a beautiful day it was today out here by the beach in Los Angeles. Yesterday too. People from other parts of the country always roll their eyes when I complain about the whether here, but you know what I mean. It hasn’t really felt like California weather in a while.
It goes to show what Andy Puddicombe from Headspace (hit me up for a free trial) always says about meditation: that no matter what the gray skies are or who turbulent the mind gets, there is always the blue sky, the sunshine, and the stillness above us, and within us. Always.
About this letter
Today in Tomorrow brings you the latest motivational and personal development content from the internet so you can apply it to your personal life. Most of my clients are going through some very challenging personal growth experiences (sometimes involuntarily), usually in the form of a divorce, custody issue, or other family law matter. I hope this letter will bring you some inspiration, motivation, or just peace.
A note about loneliness
This weekend I learned you might be able to control whether you feel lonely or not. It’s not easy, but it is within our control. This is new for me, so I had to share.
Here’s what I mean. Are you alone as you’re reading this? Do you wish someone were with you right now? If so, you might feel lonely. Anyone would.
But you don’t have to feel lonely if you can change the way you’re thinking and feeling right now. It’s actually a choice you’re making, probably unconsciously. I’m embarrassed that I just now figured this out at my age. I’ve known I could make choices about the way I feel in other areas of life, like stress, or anxiety for years, but for some reason, loneliness seemed like an experience I couldn’t control.
Loneliness is a very powerful, full body experience for me, so maybe I gave myself a pass on owning the experience.
Don’t believe you can control it? Well, think. There have been times in your life when you’ve been alone, and you didn’t feel lonely, right? You were doing something differently, or engaged in some interesting activity, or just feeling connected to the world despite being alone.
Therefore, it’s a choice to be lonely that either your mind or your nervous system is making—maybe consciously, but more likely unconsciously. Something in you wants the situation to be different than it is. It’s that wanting things to be different that creates the sensation of loneliness. Your body is trying to get you to get out and connect. It’s the same desire for things to be different that causes other stresses or anxieties in our lives.
The moment you’re in right now is just the moment, however. It is what it is. If you can’t change it right now, which happens to me often, then try to accept the moment for what it is and make different choices about the experience you’re having. You may find the path out of loneliness if you do.
Moreover, there have been plenty of times in your life when you were with other people, yet you still felt lonely. (Maybe that’s how you often feel or felt in your relationship that brought you to me.)
Somehow this experience of loneliness is more powerful than feeling it when you’re alone. Wanting the other person to do something differently, to acknowledge your new dress and compliment you, to ask how your day was and to listen, to see you as you are right now and to acknowledge it, to notice the distance and bridge it, those are all painful feelings that we call loneliness. I know it hurts.
The painful truth is that the other person isn’t causing you to be lonely. You are. You are wanting, longing even, for them to do something they’re not doing, but it is YOU who are creating the feeling of loneliness.
It’s not easy, trust me I KNOW, but you can make a different choice in this moment.
That all said, the research conclusions are that long term loneliness can be incredibly dangerous (like the same as smoking more than a pack of cigarettes a day) and even shorten your lifespan considerably. The need to be connected to other humans is like a primal need. So don’t try to do this everyday for a long time! Make sure you are doing the work to build meaningful connections.
Still, I thought this might give you a little relief and hope that you can change the way you feel in the short term.
Today in Tomorrow
Remember, I focus on people who are facing or going through a divorce, so the the following is my roundup of the weekend’s best content to move you forward in your life.
🎧 Radio Headspace posted The Bystander Effect (May 3, 2023). It’s a short episode from Headspace instructor Sam about knowing how to support a loved one (or maybe yourself) going through a hard time. I love Headspace. Andy Puddicombe and I are besties, even though he doesn’t know it.
🎧 The Relationship Anxiety podcast published Regret Bias (May 5, 2023). “If you struggle with regret, or fear regret in the future, this episode is perfect for you.” I’m a little new to this podcast, so if you give this a listen, let me know how it is.
🎧 The Dr. John Delony Show posted Is It Time to Introduce My Kids to the Person I’m Dating? (May 5, 2023). This is a really persistent issue for my parent clients who either worry about the same thing or struggle with whether their ex is moving too fast. I’m definitely going to listen to this one.
🎧 The High Conflict Co-Parenting Podcast posted Creating Structure and Navigating Narcissism and Other High Personalities (May 5, 2023). Bill Eddy, a therapist and divorce lawyer, is the co-founder of an amazing institute in San Diego focused on high conflict personalities. I send his material to my clients all the time, so if you’re in a high conflict divorce let me know, and I’ll tell you more about their work.
🎧 The One You Feed posted How to Embrace Challenges for Positive Change (May 5, 2023). This one is with Nikki Eisenhauer who wants you to shift your focus to the moment, emphasizing mindfulness, and acknowledging that repetition and consistency are key to making change.
Did I miss anything? Drop me a note to michael@michaelricelaw.com.
I listen well, and I keep secrets. Let’s talk.
I’m an attorney in the Los Angeles area. I work with clients in family law matters, like divorce, custody disputes, or post-judgment matters.
But I’m very different from most attorneys because I like to do the deeper work with you to help you deal more confidently with the emotional aspects of divorce. There are always three components of divorce: the financial, the legal, and the emotional, and I focus heavily on the emotional.
If you are in California, I’m happy to schedule a free initial consultation with you to help you chart a path forward for you and your family.
If you are outside of California, we can still talk, but I can’t give you legal advice (nor would you want me to as all family law is state-specific). But I can still help you get ready for it.
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How big a factor is loneliness in your life?